I haven’t been writing because I been too depressed. I can’t seem to put my thoughts into words. It’s as if this all happened so quickly and without any warning. It’s like a fatal car crash, you just don’t see coming; and boom you find yourself trying to fix something so tragic. It was out of my hands, or at least that’s what it felt like. Everything was going so well, I was happy, I was writing, I was embracing everything about myself. Only to now feel like I jumped down the rabbit hole and there’s not one hand there to help pull me out. Is life always this way? Are we always alone through our worst moments? Even those people who we think we can depend on–find a reason to exit. Every single day I’m in a room surrounded by people, and every single day I feel like I am totally alone. I’m not totally alone though, because my pain is with me. The thing about pain though, it demands to be felt. You can try to push it all the way down, fake your smiles, engage in conversations you don’t want to–but your pain is sitting right on top of you and you feel like you can barely breathe.
Self destruction is a real thing and most of the time we don’t know that we are doing it. I think I self destruct a lot, but does that mean I deserve to go through my pain alone? Do I deserve to be judged, embarrassed, and feel hopeless.
Ride the waves they say. One day you’re happy and the next day you feel like your pain is chocking the life out of you. No matter what though, you have to ride the waves. The thing about waves though, is I can’t swim, so they are smacking me back and forth with the most intense impact one could ever feel.
I don’t know how to make things right, and maybe right now I don’t want to. I feel exhausted and misunderstood. Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe it won’t. All I know is, I have nothing or anyone, just myself and this pain….oh and these damn waves.