A dose of hypomania…

A dose of hypomania…

For the longest time in my life whenever I felt sad or was having some type of day I would turn to shopping.

I spent excessive amounts on money on things I wanted so badly but didn’t need, and unfortunately it’s still one of my biggest problems. It feels as if I am going through a mixed state (which is one minute they are extremely happy and the next minute they drop down to being extremely sad). It goes something like this: I experience a bad day or I feel manic and I whole heartedly decide to spend money on something like makeup. I feel totally happy doing it, but once the deed is done I go right back to feeling depressed.

I have been trying to compose myself when it comes to spending money, because I tend to spend a lot of it in a small time frame. It started bringing problems into my relationship and my spouse couldn’t deal with my spending habits anymore. So, for her I promised to do better, but it’s really hard.

Shopping helps me escape my reality sometimes. New clothes, new makeup, new this and that and I’m like “yes I feel like a totally new person.” A happy one. Sadly it’s only for the time being. Don’t get me wrong when the stuff arrives I am truly just as happy, but it’s always the same song and dance – it’s never enough! I need more, I want more. I crave more.

I had to cut back a lot. I used to shop nearly every single day to now maybe once a week or once a month, but it’s still excessive. I have almost everything I want when it comes to material things but I’ve learned it never fills that void truly. This isn’t like something I can control though and sometimes I wish people understood that more. I know I don’t need more things but I can’t help but get them.

I’m at that age where I need to start thinking about a family and a house, so my shopping sprees need to get cut off completely. It’s a work in progress because once I see something I want there is no off button. I think it has a lot to do with the impulsive side of me. I don’t think about “well if I buy this tomorrow I may not have enough money to pay my bills.” I see something I like and there isn’t a thought of I can’t have that. I don’t have any warning lights going off.

How do I get a warning light in me? Most people can control themselves, but what happens to the rest of us who can’t ? Where does that leave us? Luckily I have never went broke because of my expenses but the crippling fear of that happening lurks in my mind. Sometimes this makes me feel like a child especially when I get told “stop” or “enough” or “don’t do this anymore” and it upsets me because in my head it’s like why can’t I have nice things? I work hard, I go to school… I deserve the nice things!

Simply put, who doesn’t deserve to enjoy pleasures of life? We all do! But what if you’re like me and you can’t stop. It is a problem! This was just something I’ve been thinking about when it comes to myself.

Thanks to my spouse, I’m working on bettering my life and my approach. Still though there isn’t a time during the day where I don’t think “I want this” when I see something that grabs my attention. Grasping control is something that is new to me, but I am trying. I am taking baby steps and beginning to think of the long haul rather than the short. I hope one day when I want something that I don’t actually need – I’ll be able to say no and truly mean it.

Have a blessed day everyone.

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