It’s so insane how emotions change up so quickly. It’s like one minute you hate everything and then in a split second you’re happy beyond words. That’s how most of my days are like. It’s all black and white, there is no grey area in my world. Yesterday I was feeling extremely depressed. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I had all these negative thoughts. I just shut down from the world. It wasn’t for any particular reason, my mind was just drifting in and out of the past and present. Sometimes it gets the best of me. I’m not a perfect person, although these past few months I have been working harder on myself to be better. I have an extremely bad temper and I have lost a lot because of it. It is one of my biggest flaws but hey, no one is perfect, and at least I can admit when I’m in the wrong.
Regardless, yesterday I hated everything and sometimes that hate shifts on to myself included. This is what happens when my mind goes into a dark place and depression takes over. It’s ugly. There is nothing like that deep, dark, empty rabbit hole. It influences you in the worst kind of way, to the point you feel like you’re drowning in nothing but sorrows and the air around gets so thick that it becomes hard to breathe. Sometimes you cry, but sometimes you just sit there starring into the darkness thinking the most awful and worst things about life.
Depression shouldn’t be taken lightly. It can consume a person to the point that they don’t want to exist anymore. I have had so many days like that, but one way or another I tried hard to climb out of that rabbit hole. I barely got any sleep last night but I woke up at 5am and went to work with the love of my life. I was happy, very exhausted but happy. Being with her and spending time with her made me happy. And, even though we just worked a 14 hour shift, I am happy I was with her all day. Especially since we rocked the socks of our job!
One thing life has taught me, and having bipolar has taught me, is that emotions never stick. What you feel is only temporary. Even the good. You can feel fucking great one second and then the next moment you feel like total shit BUT you have to learn to manifest those emotions. Knowing that emotions are temporary can spare your heart and mind from a lot of agony. Feelings do not last forever. Especially in our special and rare cases. I don’t live in a grey world. I am either insanely happy, or down right face smashed in the dirt depressed. It is hard living this way. Sometimes I want the grey, I want to know what it is like to be in between. To be neutral. I believe those people have the most kind of peace in their lives and all I want sometimes is peace.
But, this is my chaotic mind. I live with bipolar II disorder and my days are either black or white. I’m either riding in the rainbows on my perfect little unicorn or falling face first down that deep, dark, empty hole. Which literally takes the air out of the space I am in, and I hate life.
Life is so beautiful though, even with these chaotic feelings and all the ups and all the downs., I know that life is worth living. Each moment, each second, each day is worth living. Feelings are temporary, but what you make out of your life and the choices you make to be better is what makes it all count, and then you understand that no matter what you may feel today, tomorrow you may be a thousand times better. So never give up on yourself and get on your unicorn and ride that rainbow! There is always light at the end of the really dark tunnel and yes even that dark, empty, rabbit hole. Program your mind to understand that our feelings are temporary because hey guess what, they are lol. Don’t let them control you because once they do you fall into becoming their victim. Especially when depression hits, and depression wants you to stay stuck down in shit with it. Don’t allow that to happen.
There’s always something in our lives that bring us joy, even if it’s little or stupid. Like me spending time with my girlfriend. I didn’t do anything so captivating that dragged me out of depression but spending time with someone who loves me and whom I love means everything. And truly, at the end of the day, isn’t that all we really need?!? It is the small joys that destroy those meaningless depressing feelings. Those feelings that may not mean anything to us tomorrow. And if they do still nag at you, cause they might…. I won’t lie, find something that makes you feel good & healthy instead and grab onto it! Find your light! Just because we live in black and white doesn’t mean we can’t live in the light.
My favorite quote that I have tattooed on my leg says ” it’s good to have darkness because when the light comes it feels that much better.” My favorite singer The Weeknd stated that in a interview & it stuck with me; ink deep, because that’s how real it is.
God bless you all. Goodnight.