The little things

The little things

Im sure you all have heard the saying “it’s the little things that count”. I don’t know about most people, but to me that quote is absolutely true. In life we tend to over look the small things done for us, given to us, shared with us. We tend to take them for granted because most people want too much. I have learned that those little things by far are better than the “big things”. Not that the big things don’t matter, however the small things let you learn to appreciate both.

Personally, the little things make my world go round. Like you know I love Carmel macchiatos for breakfast and every morning you get me one. Not because you have to, but because you know that’s what I need to get my day started. Like most people I use to take those kind of things for granted, although now I know better.

I love the little things. The small kisses when we first wake up, the cuddles we share throughout the night, and the cute names you call me during the day. My significant other is my best friend and without her and her “little things” my life would feel empty, small, shallow.

She has helped me not only with dealing with my bipolar disorder, but teaching me how to live a better lifestyle; I’m forever grateful to her ( even though sometimes I have a hard time showing it). I hope she knows. Life wouldn’t be the same without her, and I hope together our lives are better than ever.

Today I am feeling happy, I am feeling like my best friend and I are unstoppable. Her not being by my side makes this disorder that much harder. So, thank you love. Thank you for loving me, and thank you for those “little things” I so badly need.

I hope you all have some type of support system to get through this disorder because doing it alone is critical. It is the hardest thing ever, and I know because before her I wouldn’t let anyone in. That is not the right way to get about things. The bigger your support system is, the better chances you have at maintaining a healthier lifestyle. It is proven with any illness. Just google it.

Anyways, today I feel grateful and I hope everyone suffering finds something in their lives to feel grateful about. This disorder sucks ass, but there is light at the end of that dark tunnel. You just have to want to find it.

Have a blessed Wednesday everyone. Stay strong and appreciate those “little things”.

Waves

Waves

I haven’t been writing because I been too depressed. I can’t seem to put my thoughts into words. It’s as if this all happened so quickly and without any warning. It’s like a fatal car crash, you just don’t see coming; and boom you find yourself trying to fix something so tragic. It was out of my hands, or at least that’s what it felt like. Everything was going so well, I was happy, I was writing, I was embracing everything about myself. Only to now feel like I jumped down the rabbit hole and there’s not one hand there to help pull me out. Is life always this way? Are we always alone through our worst moments? Even those people who we think we can depend on–find a reason to exit. Every single day I’m in a room surrounded by people, and every single day I feel like I am totally alone. I’m not totally alone though, because my pain is with me. The thing about pain though, it demands to be felt. You can try to push it all the way down, fake your smiles, engage in conversations you don’t want to–but your pain is sitting right on top of you and you feel like you can barely breathe.

Self destruction is a real thing and most of the time we don’t know that we are doing it. I think I self destruct a lot, but does that mean I deserve to go through my pain alone? Do I deserve to be judged, embarrassed, and feel hopeless.

Ride the waves they say. One day you’re happy and the next day you feel like your pain is chocking the life out of you. No matter what though, you have to ride the waves. The thing about waves though, is I can’t swim, so they are smacking me back and forth with the most intense impact one could ever feel.

I don’t know how to make things right, and maybe right now I don’t want to. I feel exhausted and misunderstood. Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe it won’t. All I know is, I have nothing or anyone, just myself and this pain….oh and these damn waves.

“I have bipolar II disorder” A special little quote I love.

“I have bipolar II disorder” A special little quote I love.

“My moods change more often than the seasons, and with my moods, my energy levels change also. I am either too up or too down, but I’m rarely in between. When I’m down, I can not just snap out of it. I can not think positively to make it all go away. I can barely pull myself out of bed and into the shower. Being around people is just too hard. I don’t always feel sad, sometimes I don’t feel anything at all. It may seem like I am giving up, but this is when I am fighting the hardest, just to stay alive. When I am up, life is wonderful. Nothing can go wrong, and I have all the energy in the world. I want to go out, I want to DO, I want to accomplish. I am confident. I talk too fast, I think too fast. And it bothers me when those around me can’t keep up. Sometimes I am irritable or snappy. I want things done my way. I want everything done at once. I’m impulsive. I like being up more than being down, but I am down much, much, much often. The hardest part of this disorder is that I never know when my mood will change. It is a rollercoaster, and it’s exhausting to ride the rollercoaster every single day of your life. I hide what I’m going through in order to make you feel more comfortable, and I am tired. I did not ask for this, any more than a person asks for cancer. I fight it everyday. I am stronger than you know.”

I do not know who wrote this, I found it on pinterest & thought; this is my life. This is how I feel. This quote was made for me. Whoever wrote it, I couldn’t have written it better myself. I wish I knew so I could give them recognition, and a hug. Let them know I feel this way too. It is as if they jumped into my brain and wrote down my thoughts. It makes me proud seeing things like this because people aren’t hiding behind their disorder anymore. They are telling their truth. And while it may not be pretty or even remotely flattering; it is their raw, deep, chaotic lives.

This is the chaotic mind. This is our emotions and feelings. This is the way we live and it is so hard, but we all are so brave. Don’t get off the roller coaster, it is worth the ride; even when it seems like it’s too much.

Have a blessed Saturday everyone.

Certain triggers.

Certain triggers.

There are some people who come into your life with the worst intentions ever and slowly but surely become a trigger for you. Even though this person is thankfully no longer in my life, there are certain dates that cause triggers. Which lead me to be horribly mad and depressed. July 4th is one of those many days. I’m busy at work so I am trying not to think about the past too much or even the bullshit I dealt with knowing I should have left for good this time last year. The problem was this one person was someone I grew up with and they actually meant a lot to me so, I put up with shit I should have not. We are no where on speaking terms because this year revealed the type of person they truly are. I’m not going to sit here and act all innocent like I wasn’t irrational or my behavior was any better than theirs. The thing is this, they are living their perfect envisioned life while I am having a horrible day due to unfortunate memories. This day is always going to haunt me whether I like it or not. Add it to my list of regrets. Feeling nothing but depression today. So much for fireworks.

Have a blessed one ya.

“Welcome to the Jungle”

“Welcome to the Jungle”

“Welcome to the Jungle” by Hillary Smith is one of the best, and I mean truly one of the best books I have read about bipolar disorder. It’s so brilliantly written that even as I re-read it – I find it brilliant each and every time. I highly recommend this book. It’s also one of the first books that gave me the most efficient and well put information on the disorder. She goes in depth about her own life, being manic, depressed, and having psychosis, about medications and therapies, and a whole bunch of other subjects regarding anyone who has no freaking idea how to face their bipolar disorder without “freaking out.”

It honestly helped me view my disorder without all the drama and stigma associated with it. It made light of what is heavy. Not that it made it not significant, but it made it easier to digest. It gave me the total insight on the things I needed to know but didn’t know how to ask. The book can help you in more ways than you can imagine and it’s not at all one of those books you throw across the floor because you are consumed by boredness of it. She is the real deal and she’s funny, witty, & curses (which is my cup of tea in any person. … profanity shouldn’t be frowned upon!). She is passionate, and her words pull you right into the mood of wanting to know more. In addition, and the highlight of it all – her words make you want to be the best version of yourself and to apply to your life the things she talks about. And guess what?!? You will! Simply because thats how fucking amazing this book is.

I’m sharing this with you guys because I want everyone who suffers from this disorder to find the light at the end of a really long and dark tunnel. Most people do not know this but people who have bipolar disorder are one of the most creative people in the world. Guess we are wired that way. That alone is a gift we should embrace. So, embrace it… I dare you.

“Jungle wanderers know that life is long and contains infinite possibility. They know that things that seem important in the short term are often less important in the long term; that setbacks can have hidden gifts and that successes can contain hidden setbacks; and that the ingredients for a meaningful life are not always what they tell you in school. They often use this perspective to help other people going through the jungle for the first time.”

The jungle is chaotic but still very beautiful and that is what this book will teach you. You will learn so much, you will feel the words as they roll of your tongue, you will understand that you’re not alone. This book will help you be the best version of yourself. I stand by this book with my entire soul because it is that real and totally liberating. So my fellow “jungle wanderers” go and make this purchase. It is money well spent – I guarantee it.

“Welcome to the jungle” ladies & gentleman & don’t be scared of the lions, tigers, and bears.

Where there’s one… there’s another…

Where there’s one… there’s another…

Most of us who have bipolar disorder know about comorbidity. This is when you’re diagnosed with one disorder and you get diagnosed with a few more. For example, I am diagnosed with bipolar II disorder, but I’m also diagnosed with major anxiety, and ADHD. You could imagine the multitude of medications that I am on. One for the actual bipolar (Latuda), one as a mood stabilizer (Lamictal ER), one for my anxiety (Klonopin), and one for my ADHD (Adderall). Nice mixed cocktail, eh? Unfortunately for me, they are a must. Otherwise I cannot function. Especially when I am depressed and need to keep myself highly functioning and focused. Those A+’s in school don’t come without a sacrifice. For me there is nothing else. I aim to be the best!

Honestly, I don’t know how I feel about all my medications. For one, I feel like my Klonipin has reached it’s limitations on helping with me with my anxiety. The longer you take anything the more your body becomes extremely tolerant to it. My psychiatrist lately has been a total fucking moron. Either it is his age or he has lost any interest in helping me. I definitely need to look into changing my doctor. The mood stabilizer isn’t so bad. I do feel less temperamental, even though when someone upsets me it’s very, very, very bad. My anger is something I cannot control and no one seems to understand that. My bipolar medication seems to work as well. I don’t feel as depressed as I did before. I do think about minimizing the dosage of it. I think it has a lot to do with me getting fatigue. I will look further into this with hopefully a new psychiatrist.

Comorbidity is just what happens to many people when you get diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It is never just ONE diagnosis. It is never just one pill solves all. Where there is one problem, it compacts into another. And the list goes on and on. It almost feels like you’re some broken person with an unstoppable train of problems. Trust me, you’re not!

One of the most prevalent comorbidities of today’s day is substance abuse. It is rated the highest among people who suffer from bipolar disorder and it’s very depressing. Most people tend to seek an escape from their disorder because sometimes it’s very hard to live with it. Has anyone experienced substance abuse as their comorbidity? If so, please share.

Thank you everyone & have a blessed evening.

The loud inner-critic.

The loud inner-critic.

We all have an inner critic. The voice telling you that you’re not good enough or you are not qualified enough or whatever other bullshit your self doubt springs on you. Like most people, we listen to our inner critic more than we listen to the people who actually love and support us and even when we fuck up & they tell us that we messed up – we ignore their plea. Last Thanksgiving I went away for a mini vacation with my sister & mother to Dominican Republic for a few days. A much needed trip. After a long day of activities, followed by a wonderful dinner, all I just wanted was just to go back to the hotel room. Having bipolar disorder I have this constant feeling of fatigue that I can’t seem to get rid of. No matter how much coffee I drink, or Adderall I take – I’m always fucking tired.

My sister decided to get into bed with me and watch some cartoons that had trolls as the main characters (idk these new kid shows today). In the moment, we were laughing hysterically, making jokes about the show (something we haven’t done in awhile but something we used to do often). My inner critic however had a different plan in mind. It kept reminding me that I am bipolar. Of how boring I became and how irritable I am. It wouldn’t let up. It kept whispering how no one wants to be around me anymore. I mean, it’s all true, isn’t it?!? Sometimes your inner critic is a bunch of bullshit and sometimes it’s the real deal. How do you know?!?

I sat there with Ree watching this show contemplating on how to ask her what I had already knew. Did I want to hear what I already knew? I didn’t want my inner critic to get the validation it was eagerly anticipating, but I wanted the truth regardless. So, I asked. I asked her if she thought I was boring. I don’t necessarily remember her answer word for word, but it went something like this: “I don’t think you’re boring, I just don’t think you laugh the same way anymore & you’re constantly tired. You don’t want to do anything.” I felt my eyes tear up instantly, though I didn’t let her see it. It crushed my insides to hear her say these words. I wanted to tell my inner critic to go straight to Hell. I cried myself to sleep that night.

I didn’t want to be constantly tired, or change to the point where I wasn’t funny or fun to be around. I know that I’m highly irritable… I have always been. Things constantly get under my skin & quietly inside myself I begin to wonder if this is the reason half of my friends aren’t my friends anymore. My heart felt shattered.

What can a person do in my situation? I can’t change my diagnosis and I can’t stop taking my medications. They drain me and dull me. Am I suppose to sacrifice my sense of humor? What is the brightest alternative to this fucked situation? There is none. This is the person I have become. Do not get me wrong there are times where I am fun to be around, and times I joke till the person I’m with and I are in tears… but that’s like a full moon. It happens on such rare occasions.

This is my life. My real friends & family understand. They love me regardless of my ups and downs. They don’t care. They know it’s my medications. That they make me not myself. In a sense they rather me be healthy than be a clown. They understand that me staying out late isn’t good for me and accept it. They adjust their lives for mine. Then there’s those people I barely hear from anymore & till this day I wonder if it’s because of that.

Till this day I try to prove my inner critic wrong, and when it’s right I try my best to change my perspective of who I have become. I thrive to be better. Having fatigue though, like I said before is something that is out of my hands completely. That is just something I have to embrace in order to stay healthy. Medications do change you, but your real friends & family will understand you and be there no matter what. Your bra shouldn’t be the only thing that supports you & next time your inner critic demands the right to be right, set it straight and move towards the positive. Yes I have bipolar, but people still appreciate me, people still love me, people still want me around. Because the truth is, those that really matter stay regardless and those that didn’t, well fuck them anyways.

Have a blessed day everyone.