This is my very first time creating a blog or even being on one of these things, so please bare with me while I bring my page to life for your and my own advantages. I honestly know nothing about blogging however, my main goal was to talk about Bipolar Disorder & bring more awareness. I am not some type of expert, I do not have a degree is Psychology (as of yet), and I am not a medical professional. But in a way, living with this disease every day has made me know it inside and out. I just want people to learn, share, and talk about bipolar disorder as they would anything else. Let’s talk about it as we would anything else while strolling in a park. We shouldn’t fear it or hide from it.
Stigma is a very real thing. Anyone who lives in the real world knows that people who suffer from any type of mental illness have it pretty rough. And that is because society made it hard for us. When I first got diagnosed, about three years ago, I was in such disbelief. Though I always felt like there was just something not quite right with me, I was still shocked. Once the gavel comes down and you hear “You have Bipolar Disorder” everything changes in that very second. And as you walk out of that doctor’s office lost and confused, it begins to echo around in your brain. Fear sets in. I remember feeling so ashamed, distraught, angry, & every bad emotion you can possibly envision. I couldn’t understand it, yet it made a lot of sense. The ultimate Catch 22.
Regardless of the matter, I didn’t want anyone to know. I was afraid. Afraid of what my family and friends would say, afraid of what was going to happen to me, afraid of myself. I didn’t know who I was, all I knew was that I was either extremely happy on some days, or extremely sad on other days. I constantly lived in black or white, there was no such thing as the grey area for me. And even though, I knew my life was about to make such a drastic turn, I also I knew that I wasn’t ready for it. So, I became a hermit. Yup, that’s right ladies and gentlemen, I completely put myself into isolation. I stopped hanging out with my friends, or tried to avoid them as much as possible. I wouldn’t return phone calls. I just wanted to be left alone. I was stuck and felt hopeless. That kind of “I’m totally fucked hopeless.” Feeling as though you’re tied to a huge bag of rocks in the middle of the great Atlantic, and there isn’t anything you can do but sink. So I sank, deeper and deeper into my despair with not one person to talk to.
There I was young, alone, LABELED, with prescriptions of all kinds of medications in my hand. For the record, I utterly despise labels. And bipolar to most people means crazy. I didn’t want to be labeled as crazy. I hate that word. People use it way too often today, especially when it comes to women, whether they have the disorder or not. “She’s bat shit crazy.” SMH!
“I am not bipolar, I have bipolar.” The reason that this quote is highly important to me, and I want it to be as important to everyone else who has been diagnosed, because having bipolar disorder doesn’t define you as a human being. You are you. Your very own unique person. Yes, we may share something like bipolar disorder, but that doesn’t mean we are the same. NO ONE IS THE SAME. And, frankly I am tired of people with this disorder being labeled as crazy. It is a mood disorder which has so many spectrums. The young me feared that so much, like most people would. Even if some of us won’t admit it, we all care about what people think of us or say about us. That’s just real life. Today, all I can say is that I am 30 years old, I work in a pharmacy and go to school for Psychology. Which honestly, I believe is the real reason I became so comfortable with talking about having bipolar. I realized, that yes I am not perfect, in fact I struggle with my demons on a daily basis. I may have the happiest day ever for no apparent reason. Oh, and those days are my favorite days ever. Those days, I am that charismatic, fun, “dopest” person in the universe me. I remember an old friend of mine once said “Alisa just pulls you right in, there’s just something about her that just pulls you right into her.” That something my friends is known as “grandiosity.” Yup, that unbelievable feeling of total “I am soooo freaking amazing” feeling. Then there’s those days, where you can barely get yourself out of bed. It’s like the Great Depression, except allover your body and mind. The saddest part is feeling like you want to give up because nothing is worth it anymore. The pain is excruciating. Depression has a way of just slapping you right across the face practically out of nowhere and extremely hard. Those days are the worst, unbearable, agonizing days and nights. Those days make you want to crawl out of your own skin, if you could. I would pick the happy days over the depressing ones any day of the week. And all I see is black or white. I am currently reading this book (maybe some of you know it) – “An Unquiet Mind” by Kay Redfield Jamison. Yes, the book is a memoir about this woman suffering from bipolar. The past year I have read, researched, wrote about bipolar to no end. And my journey isn’t even close to over. Everyday I learn more. Everyday I push myself to acquire more knowledge. Like they say knowledge is power, the more you know, etc, etc. I have literally learned more about this disorder on my own than I had with any doctor. Not for nothing but giving me the DSM-5 rundown on my symptoms for your own diagnosis’s didn’t help me one bit. I enjoy books like these, because I can read something and say ” wow, I have been there” or “OMG, that happened to me too.” No one understands bipolar disorder the way people who in fact have the disorder do. Your depression isn’t like my depression, and that’s just the truth. Anyways, if you haven’t read this book (which my professor advised me to get) you should definitely give it a go. She is so brilliant. I am not done with it but, I am already a fan of her work. I can recommend other bipolar disorder books if anyone is interested & don’t worry they wont be all “yawn”, “shove this down my couch” kind of book. My girlfriend is really another reason I took such initiative of the disorder. She wanted to learn all she could about it to know exactly what she was getting into, and I mean I don’t blame her lol. I am not the easiest person to live with, but I am the best (just kidding… kind of). I like to thank her for helping me deal with having bipolar and making it so much easier than it was before. So, love if you’re reading this (which you better be) lol, thank you – I love you
This blog was something I wanted to do for a really long time already. Unfortunately I had always been too busy to get it together and do it, and here I am finally doing it. This is something I really wanted to do for myself, those who have bipolar disorder, and their loved ones. I want to hear your story while I share mine. I want people to stop hiding and be proud of who they are even if they aren’t societies definition of perfect. It took me a long, long time to get to this point in my life. I am finally embracing who I am and trying to change the things I don’t really like. Hard work, and ambition go hand in hand. You have to want to be better, and do better – just like in everything else in life. If this blog isn’t for you and you’re not a fan, that is okay, God bless you anyways. BUT, if you are interested to know about my life with bipolar disorder, you’re more than welcome to indulge into my ordinary/not so ordinary life. Comments are expected, so please do share… It’s late, so I am going to get ready for bed.
Till tomorrow, goodnight world.